They just gave it to me. Seriously, I didn’t even have to pay for it which clearly must be breaking some sort of law. I did have to step on a pair of yellow footprints at age 17 where grown men in funny hats were obviously mad and enraged from their close proximity to these weapons of war. I subsequently attended School of Infantry where I was trained in the art of the pew pew pew and then spent 6 years in the Marines capped off with a tour to Iraq where, get this, they let me shoot at people with it. But shooting wasn’t the most vile part of this journey for after shooting the smell of sulfur would intoxicate me into hours of just rubbing my weapon of war. There were many like it, but this one was mine and with a flurry of q-tips, metal contraptions, and a healthy dose of CLP I would have my way with this weapon. Then every night I would slumber in its presence like some sort of gun nut. Who sleeps with a weapon of war? What had I become?
The Exclusive Media Segment
Now, if the above scenario sounds absurd to you it is simply because I’m describing a very common and reasonable experience with a gun in a manner intended to make it sound unreasonable. And I guess this is what we are supposed to do in the aftermath of a national tragedy so I thought why not get in on the action. From people trying to show how quickly one can purchase an AR 15 rifle to a reporter apparently bruising his shoulder at the firing of one, this sensationalism has become all the rage. I’m certain you are aware the last man of whom I speak. Reporter Gersh Kuntsman famously wrote the below of his experience causing instantaneous gut wrenching laughter from anyone who has ever fired an AR-15.
Mr. Kuntzman I don’t want to call you a liar but I do want to use my knowledge to help both you and your readers understand your experience. Now first things first, if an AR 15 really did bruise your shoulder you really need to get checked out by a doctor because brother, you might have AIDS. I simply don’t know what would cause such extensive bruising and I’m genuinely concerned for your health.
Now, as for the disorientation you felt when the shells were flying past your face and that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach at the smell of it all, that was simply caused from the blood rushing from your brain and directed toward your genital area as you fired. Mr. Kuntsman you had a motto-boner. I know it can be a little awkward and disorienting at first as you discover your body in this special time, but I want to assure you it is purely natural and nothing of which to be ashamed.
Were you I would relish the moment as for many of us we sadly cannot get the same motto-boner that we could in our younger days with but an AR 15. Your irritability and anxiousness afterwards was a product of you running out of ammunition. Tough feeling we’ve all been there, but that too shall pass. My weapon actually jammed on me while firing in Iraq and I too had an instant feeling of irritability and anxiousness that was only relieved by clearing the breach. You don’t have PTSD sir and I pray for your subsequent Dr. Appointments to go well.
How Quickly Can You Purchase an AR-15
While Mr. Kuntsman was out getting his first motto-boner another reporter decided she would walk into a gun store and see how quickly she could purchase an AR 15. Sadly due to her apparently knowing exactly what she wanted and excellent customer service her purchasing experience was brief and it only took 38 minutes. Let this be a warning to all gunstore owners throughout the nation. Process the paperwork slowly and if you have to, just go in the back and take a nap while they wait so that our nation can be safer.
This is journalism at its finest ladies and gentlemen for she has shown the world that if you walk into a store with the words gun in its title that you can purchase one of the most popular guns around in time to move on with your daily life. The assault weapons ban went to sleep in 2004 and all of the corresponding data since has shown that its impact was negligible. Oddly enough this reporter might have actually committed a gun crime herself in that she purchased it as a proxy for someone else and that is a no-no. Her willingness to be incarcerated to report the news that you can buy a popular gun in a gun store will go down as one of the greatest journalistic sacrifices in the history of news just behind the reporter who lost her life to tell us McDonalds was selling Big Macs.
Gun Control is a Fruitless Debate
I want to believe our leaders when they say they just want “common sense” gun safety, but their more progressive allies betray them. When I see what California and New Jersey to name a couple does to its law abiding citizens I cringe. For the same “common sense” measures that I am being sold nationally are the tools of this restriction of an explicit constitutional right and I can’t help but see that. It’s like the President invites me over for a drink to talk about guns in America and then Bill Cosby is the bartender.
I’d love to have this chat Mr. President but I am now more concerned with getting an unwanted pudding pop by evenings end. Look, this is not a bash Obama article but just an attempt for others to see why people are so cautious. You need a whole lot of Americans consent to alter, amend, or repeal the 2nd Amendment and since you don’t have that we get pushed this common sense roofie instead. If states with stricter gun laws would implement them with more integrity to the 2nd Amendment we might have a reason to calm our fears. But then again, a court ruling in San Francisco just denied its citizens the right to conceal carry unless you are rich and famous enough to prove someone might want to hurt you so there’s that.
I don’t care about doing a background check, but how long before that process is used to backlog and deny my right as people in other states are suffering. I don’t want the terrorists to have weapons either, but how long before a secret list which denies US citizens of a right without due process is expanded. I want to trust all those involved, I really do as none of us enjoys watching a national tragedy befall our fellow man. We all like the idea of keeping guns out of the hands of bad guys, but since NO ONE knows how to do that we are unwilling to castrate our ability to defend ourselves in this fruitless pursuit. It really is that simple. Guns are not going anywhere and this continued conversation is only tearing the nation apart when we should be healing. Ban AR-15s today and across America millions of them will get miraculously “misplaced” somewhere overnight. Just since Orlando, one online Gun retailer sold over 30,000 new AR 15s and I’m pretty stories like Mr. Kuntsman’s epic national motto-boner played a part. So I at least hope he gets some commission.
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