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To the Wannabe Jihadist Who Tried to Kill My Fellow Marines Today

New Jersey Pipe Bomb Marines

During the third annual “Semper Five” run today in New Jersey some wannabe jihadi prematurely blew up an IED/pipe bomb killing absolutely no one.  Now, as dangerous as this incident could have been I can’t help but snicker a little bit.  For not only was this particular jihad a fail, but I think it entirely encapsulates what the entire global jihad movement is all about.  Namely, failing miserably in the pursuit of villainous malice.   Even as we just recently commemorated the anniversary of the most successful terrorist attack on US soil we have to recognize just how limited in scope was the impact of that attack.  Certainly for those who lost loved ones they feel it at an exponential level, but strategically this massively successful terrorist attack killed 0.000013% percent of our population.  You sought to make us afraid and instead you made us angry.  Knocked down two buildings and we built a taller shinier one its place.  At some point, it’s time to take a gander at the scoreboard my little jihadi friends.  This just isn’t working out for you.  I know you fancy yourself a suave villain from a James Bond movie, but there comes a time and place where you have to realize you’re more a Dr. Evil type of villain.  And while I eagerly anticipate the next attack to include sharks with lasers on their heads, perhaps you just stay home next time.

Terrorism is Just Stupid

Terrorism can be defined as “the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.”  Now, I grant you the violence part as you indeed are medieval-esque violent and the threats, dear lord you have those in abundance.  Every time a new terrorist tape comes out all I can hear is “ blah blah, death to America, on a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain I sat on a throne of blood!  What was will be.  What is will be no more!  Now is the season of evil!”  Said Muqtada Al Vigo the Carpathian.

SemperFive

Look, we get it jihadies.  You are evil, you want to kill us, and yes, sometimes you do.  The only problem is that you fail to understand the latter half of the definition of terrorism.  For rather than intimidate us with your violence and threats, you actually embolden us.  Rather than coerce us towards your will, we send over flying pigs to brrtttt on you and impose ours.  Whatever political purposes you are pursuing you are failing miserably at them.  Just the worst.  In fact, one of Usama Bin Laden’s chief political aims was to remove US troops from Muslim lands.  Well, 15 years after 9-11 and 2.5 million US troops later how well did that work out for you?  Watch this long lost terrorist tape below.

You are literally like Dr. Evil telling America to “Scotty Don’t”, but if Scotty in this scenario is America Scotty very much did.  Scotty did big time and Scotty is very much doing this very moment.  You neither intimidated or coerced us and you are no closer to achieving your political objectives than you were 10, 15, or 20 years ago.  Terrorism does not work against America and its just getting annoying at this point.  Your biggest hits, while tragic, are but the bite of a sand flea on the face of America.  Trying to kill Marine Veterans, of all people, while our current Marine brothers are making it rain death on you in your own land is just futile.  Scoreboard jihadies because this is getting old. Time to pull a Colin Kaepernick and just take a knee.

The Future of the Middle East

Lastly, I’ll just offer this little tidbit of information.  America is going to care less and less about the Middle East as oil from those lands plays a lesser role.  America is relatively on track to become energy independent thanks to shale and fracking.  Granted, it’s causing our drinking water to light on fire in some places but even that seems like a lesser evil than dealing with people averse to modernity.  Then if you add the technological trends towards renewable energy we will seriously not care what you do with your lands and we will in fact leave. Personally, I’m starting to think America is just trashing the Middle East right now like its our last night in an apartment with a prick for a landlord.  Keep the deposit, we don’t care because punching holes in your walls and peeing on the carpet is worth it.  And if you think I am exaggerating 2.5 million US troops have literally pissed on your lands via the piss tubes below.

New Jersey Pipe Bomb Marines

It’s time for Muslims to have the civil war they need to have between modernity and fundamentalism.  You guys fight it out and if what emerges is a friendly Muslim State with whom we can do business then great.  But if what emerges is a Taliban-like state then so be it as well.  America is planning to mix it up with much bigger foes than you in the next 30 years.  We have big boy business to attend to and no longer the time or inclination to bother with lesser matters.  Arming the moderates of today so that they can become the extremist of tomorrow seems like a poor strategy and I’d rather we just re-introduced the shock awe after every terrorist attack and went home.

In Conclusion

It’s getting old terrorist it really is and with the given definition of terrorism, I hate to be the first one to tell you that you don’t seem very good at your craft.  Yes, you can kill people, but you are no closer to accomplishing a political objective today than you were on September 10th, 2001.  If your objective was to cause Muslim heaven to start rationing virgins because the US Marine Corps drastically increased your census, then you nailed that one.  Terrorism is just silly at this point.  But if you honestly believe putting poorly made explosives in a trash can in an attempt to intimidate US Marine Veterans is the path to victory, then I have some sharks with freaking lasers on their heads I want to sell you.

If The Terrorist Suck, then Like the Unprecedented Mediocrity Facebook Page Below

Jeff Edwards

5 Comments

  1. Hi Jeff, greetings from across the pond. You say you like/relish some dissent, well here’s some incoming.
    So no white, American, non Muslim, pissed off kid that plays waaay too much CoD or whatever, ever ever made a pipe bomb, yeah right. If it goes bang, it must be a Muslim jihadist, crap! Just like when I lived and worked in London during the 70s, 80s and 90s and the IRA were trying to terrorise the UK public with bombs in trash cans, or car/van /truck bombs, there were a lot of idiots ( I’m not calling you an idiot by the way, I’m way too polite ) blaming every Irishman/woman for every little crime that occurred. Guys that my wifes father had worked with for over 20 years started calling him a ” fucking little mick bastard ” behind his back. He originally came to England in 1937 from rural Southern Ireland at the age of 15 to get away from the IRA who were trying to recruit him. He ended up fighting with the British Army all through WW2, so maybe you can imagine how that made him feel.
    It seems to me that, in some respects, a lot of Americans are re-living the McCarthy era. They’re seeing reds under every bed, but, this time around it’s Muslims getting the blame for anything and everything.
    I love your blog, grammar warts an’ all, but, this time I feel you’re jumping on the knee jerk wagon a mite too soon. It may very well turn out to be a Muslim that fucked up that innocent trashcan, but, it might also just be that white, American, non Muslim, pissed off kid that plays waaay too much CoD or whatever and dreams of being the next Timothy McVeigh!
    PS. By the way, those indiscriminate, murdering bastards of the IRA almost got me a few times in London, but, the closest call I had with a bomb was on 30 April 1999. It wasn’t an IRA bomb, it was planted by a Neo-Nazi, David Copeland, who was attempting to stir up ethnic and homophobic tensions. It was planted in a well known gay bar in Londons Soho, ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Admiral_Duncan_(pub) ). Fifteen seconds before the bomb detonated I had been parked while delivering to a shop directly opposite the pub, no more than twenty feet from the open fronted bar. The blast destroyed the shop I’d just delivered to, if I hadn’t driven away I wouldn’t be writing this.

    • I do welcome the dissent brother, across the pond and all. The reason I felt comfortable blaming, not all Muslims but radical islamic terrorist was the nature of the target. Primarily going after US Marine Veterans at a fundraiser. When there is a bombing at an abortion clinic in America, haven’t been for a while, Radical Islam wouldn’t cross my mind. If an African-American church gets burned down Muslims never cross my mind.

      We are not exactly a peace with Radical Islam at the moment so if I am fanning the flames, I am only doing so against those, Radical Islam with whom we are already at war. So felt it within reason to take the opportunity to talk about the broader fail of Islamic terrorism. If i’m wrong, we are still at war with radical islam and a terrorist will strike eventually. So again, a strategic bet this was related to terrorism based on the target.

      But I hear you on jumping the gun. Every time there is a mass shooting in America, crazy white people and muslims are looking at each other hoping its the other guy. But I felt safe on this one with little downside if I’m wrong. Great comments though and I am fascinated by the UK experience with the IRA. I know a little bit about it, but not enough.

      • So yeah, you jumped the gun. But you DID still happen to land on your target. I understand not all terrorists globally are Muslim, but the vast majority of the ones attacking american targets just so happen to be Muslim. America doesn’t have an IRA type organization attacking its citizens at the moment. When we do, maybe we will stop knee jerking at the Islamic extremists, but until then, we’re not wrong.

  2. Who the fuck cares who they were… It was still an act of terrorism. Fuck em. Fucking with Marines is a bad idea. Flat out. We are kinda mean… I mean kinda really fucking mean. We don’t care who you are… Fuck with us we will kill you, and you’ve fucked with us.

  3. Marines from E 5 on down are the Marine Corps….. all others are roadies. If a solid E 5 was in charge of the war on terror it would be over and we would be pumping foreign oil. It would be messy but over. Generals and others talking about stuff that they only watch someone else do. Any General that is still in the Marine Corps should be in protest outside of the white house. To take ground and not occupy or lay waste to it what Hollywood directors do.

    I know I am an 70year old Vietnam combat vet and really don’t have a clue.

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