To say that Vladimir Putin is a vindictive man would be an understatement. Journalist write something bad about him, dead. Politicians attempt to rival him, dead. Hillary mocks his own Presidential election win, her Presidential ambitions dead. The man is a classic tyrant and Bond villain wannabe. I know there is part of us after 8 years of Academic leadership that admires the strong willed bear wrestling judo throwing former KGB agent. But let us patriots not forget who we are dealing with here. There is nothing congruent with our Constitution and the way Vladimir Putin runs Russia. For freedom loving patriots to admire his strong persona is one thing, but if you would want the same thing for America then you simply are not a patriot and you do not love the Constitution as much as you may think. Putin is the man George Washington would fight, not admire. You see, Vladimir Putin has one last score to settle and that is every last one of us living happily in the western order. And make no mistake, the Bond villain I’ve aptly named Goldnipples is coming for us.
The Fall of the Soviet Union
Some of you young pups don’t remember the Cold War, but let me tell you it was glorious. We lived in a world where we knew who the bad guy was and life was simple. Granted, the threat of global thermonuclear war was ever present but life was still simpler. It was us versus them and in the early 90’s when us won we reveled. I can remember watching the Berlin Wall fall and I can remember the coup against Gorbachev. We won, praise the Lord almighty we have won. But somewhere in a dark Moscow basement was a miserly little KGB agent stroking his hammer and sickle promising to save his precious. And thus, the birth of Goldnipples.
Within 9 years of the fall of the Soviet Union, Putin would endear himself to Russian President Boris Yeltsin. In August of 1999, Yeltsin named Putin Prime Minister of the Russian Federation. By December of that same year, Boris Yeltsin unexpectedly resigned making Putin the acting President. In 2000, Putin was officially elected to his first term as President. Elected again in 2004, Putin began to go after the richest men in Russia. Prosecuting them for crimes of all ranges, jailing political opponents, and journalist started coming up missing. Ukraine had a raucous pro-west President who had drawn the ire of Putin. Thanks to a mysterious poisoning, the Ukrainian President when from looking like this, to this.
By 2008, term limits had hit and Putin’s time was up. But Goldnipples had a plan. Due to his national popularity, he was virtually able to hand pick his successor who subsequently named Putin as Prime Minister. During this tenure, the constitution was amended allowing a third term and expanding Presidential terms from 4 years to 6. Strangely, political opposition to this move was remarkably quiet. In 2012, Putin was elected in what was clearly a “fair” election. He set out again with his eyes to the west.
The Next Episode
In 2010, a pro-Russia Ukrainian regime was elected and all seemed right in the saga of Goldnipples. But in 2014, the Ukrainian people had other plans and revolted resulting in this President’s ouster. Side note, I checked with the CIA before writing this article and America totally had nothing to do with this. Goldnipples was enraged. His new Soviet empire was again crumbling. So he did what any other tyrant would do, he invaded a sovereign nation. Mysterious troops parachuted into the Ukrainian territory of Crimea and within two weeks a referendum was held where 93% of the population voted to join Russia. The masked men with machine guns had nothing to do with it, I’m sure.
The West fought back with sanctions and Goldnipples responded with invading Eastern Ukraine. Satellite imagery showed artillery firing from across the Russian border, media images of anonymous tanks crossing the border rolled, but Putin was like “what tanks, I don’t see no stinking tanks.” He then intervened in the war in Syria and began the indiscriminate bombing of civilians. Began conducting naval drills with China in the South China Sea and most famously decided he really, really, did not like Hillary Clinton. And this brings us to where we are today and the assault on the Western World Order. It’s not about Obama and it’s not about Hillary. It’s about revenge and a new Moscow centric world order with Goldnipples as its king.
The Rise of Goldnipples
Putin has always said they he felt that the fall of the Soviet Union was one of the greatest catastrophes in world history. His beloved mother Russia lost her former glory and he vowed to get his precious back because that thieving hobbit NATO Baggins stole it. Make no mistake about it, Goldnipples is obsessed with destroying the western world order. I know it, you know it, and thankfully General James Mattis knows it. Sadly, I am less convinced by Secretary of State and friend of Goldnipples Rex Tillerson and more sadly I am unsure whether our new President gets it quiet yet.
We all can point to the problems of this world and perhaps suggest a new world order would be better. But if by better you mean anything that resembles Putin’s world then you are no patriot, you are no lover freedom, and you can no longer hold our constitution dear. It is not that America in these past 8 years has desired war with Russia. Rather it is the realization that the only thing Putin respects is strength and he is dead set on getting his revenge on the West. Currently, Russia lacks the conventional ability to defeat NATO and victory for Goldnipples comes only through western apathy or acquiescence.
When we put 300 troops in Lithuania it is not because we think 300 troops are going to hold back the Russian army. Rather, it’s to let Putin know that if you invade the Baltics you will have to kill Americans and that means the war you don’t want. Unfortunately for the world, this is no Bond movie. There is no guarantee of victory and if Putin is successful it means a world order we may not actually like. And while we don’t have a James Bond to save us from Goldnipples we do have another James. If we revel in the genius of James “Mad Dog” Mattis then we need to listen to him now. Don’t make a meme about his knife hands and then ignore him when he warns us of the threat we face. Yes, my friends, the world order is under attack and now is not the time to acquiesce to a shirtless tyrant with shiny nipples you think is a cool dude. Stay frosty my friends, the next 4 years are going to get real.
If You Have a Better Bond Villain Name for Putin, Like the Unprecedented Mediocrity Page Below and Share It!