Hoarding Doesn’t Make You a Prepper, It Makes you a Butthole

I am of the belief that to protect one’s family, there may come a day that you would have to put a gun to your own Grannie’s head. That day is not today. If you have been hoarding toilet paper or other goods in the wake of the Covid-19 crisis, that does not make you a prepper. It makes you a butthole. Granted, a likely clean butthole, but butthole all the same. If you have ever embraced or used the term “Sheepdog” to describe yourself, you don’t get to wrestle a pack of toilet paper away from an 80-year-old man. You can’t call yourself a Sheepdog when your worry over a dirty butthole supersedes common decency and taking care of the vulnerable. Prepping exists for the day when the community no longer serves its purpose to uphold the social order. Prepping was never intended to be an outright assault on the social order. As of today, community still serves a purpose and as a nation, we would do well to look after one another. Executing your lone wolf bug out plan should be the last step before the social order breaks down. If that day comes, then do what you have to do to take care of your family. That day is not today. If you are trying to bug out today with the goods and services that vulnerable people need to survive, then I submit that you are not a prepper. You are not a Sheepdog and you are not a 3 Percenter or patriot. You are a scared cowardly human with a remarkably clean butthole. But a butthole by any other name, is still a butthole.

Spaceship Planet Earth

When balancing the need to take care of my family first and foremost and the need to contribute in a positive way to society, I often find it helpful to remind myself that we are basically on a big blue spaceship travelling through space at this very minute. Considering that the Earth is spinning and simultaneously travelling around the sun while the solar system spins around the Milky Way galaxy while the galaxy does who knows what, you will likely be thousands of miles away from the original spot in the Universe you were when you started reading this article. Think of it as something like this below.

You see, I am of the opinion that one of the best things I can do to protect my family is to substantially contribute to the greater good of the community. Love it or hate it, we are all trapped on spaceship Earth together as we hurl through space to some unknown destination. In fact, if you wanted to create a vessel to travel through space I am uncertain if you could create a better spaceship than planet Earth. I cannot hide enough guns, ammo, or food to make up for the hell on Earth that would be created by a total breakdown of the social order. As such, I do not cheer for it nor try to bring it about out of some perverse prepper wet dream. With courage, I contribute to the social order until the zombies are at the gates. That day is not today my friends. Don’t be a butthole.

My kids have it amazing right now. They eat everyday. They have a great shelter. They have a reasonable assurance of safety and the rule of law that will be in their favor. In the United States of America, our children simply do not have hardship on a scale that resembles anything in human history. I do not want them to ride their time out here on spaceship Earth without the common cause and purpose of community. Therefore, I will contribute to the common community for their sake. Yet, I’ll also have my guns, ammo, and food. If you don’t, then you’re an idiot. However, I will not hoard out of fear because I am not a butthole. I’m also not a coward.

Is War Terrible

I feel reasonably assured of my ability to survive and wipe my butt in an emergency survival situation. If you recognize the picture above and pooped there, then trust me, you can poop anywhere. Even still, I’d rather have a dirty butthole and support my community and protect the least of these than have a clean butthole and harm others. If you hoard toilet paper, you are not a prepper or a Sheepdog. You are a butthole. Clean, but a butthole all the same.

Take Care of Your Community

Once again, if you have not stocked up on some food basics, then you are not being smart. I’ll also go so far as to say that if you do not own at least one gun, you are negligent in your duty to protect your family. So all the real preppers and real sheepdogs out there, more power to you. However, that does not absolve you of your responsibility to your fellow man. Good men rescue their families from a flood and then after securing their families safety, turn around and go rescue the least of these. Real men will give food and water to those in need. Real men will take on the measurable and calculated risk that you can still wipe your nasty butthole if you don’t buy 20 packs of toilet paper. Real men and real Sheepdogs don’t give up on community and society until the very last second. They are courageous until the brink and on then, when it is obvious that their contributions to community can no longer save it, do they go lone wolf for themselves and their families.

Ensuring your kids have all the food they want to eat in a cave will not protect your children more than contributing to the functioning of a healthy society. If you bug out on your fellow man early, you are a coward with a clean butthole. Honestly, at this point I’m just curious how many times I can say butthole in one article. So let me wrap it up by saying this to all those men and women capable of making a contribution to society and their fellow man. Don’t be a butthole. Don’t be cowardly. Run a little calculated risk that you will find a way to clean your butthole if it helps those in need right now. Coronavirus is not the end of the world. I knew that when I went to the grocery store to stock up on basics. Certain items were missing or on short supply, but there was an abundance of all the fresh fruits and vegetables you could ever want. America is apparently concerned, but not enough to eat healthy and that’s about as American a crisis as it will get.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, I’d just like to remind you to be kind to your fellow man. Spaceship Earth is all we have and America is the first class cabin on this ride through the universe. We don’t need to start cannibalizing each other just yet. Hats off to all the first responders and health care providers who are making their contributions during this crisis rather than worrying about their risk for future dingle-berries. They are not buttholes. Granted, their buttholes might be dirty, but they are not buttholes. Look, if it really got bad, all you need to do is dress nice, go to a nice hotel, eat their continental breakfast and then poop in the lobby bathroom. Act like you belong and no one will challenge you. So please stop hoarding toilet paper and for the love, stop being a butthole. Look out for those around you, stay at home, moderately stock up on goods, and take care of your family. Hoarding doesn’t make you a prepper when society needs you. Hoarding makes you a butthole and that’s about all I have to say about that. Butthole.

Jeff Edwards