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Hacking CENTCOM’s Twitter: The Cutest Thing ISIS Will Do All Week

ISIS Hack Centcom

Honestly, in my opinion this pretty much sums up the entire war with ISIS. You see, when news first started breaking about the ISIS hack of CENTCOM, it seemed as if they had actually hacked the defense computer Network of Central Command. Now this would be fairly big news as I am sure CENTCOM computers have all sorts of juicy material on it given it’s long history with the recent wars. However, it would seem CENTCOM’s firewall must be a picture of General Mattis as ISIS didn’t get through.  Rather, as the dust started to settle, it appeared that it was no more than the hacking of a twitter account to which I reply, “Cute, I didn’t even know CENTCOM had twitter.” I guess now I will have to follow them since ISIS was so kind to point it out. Which brings me to my next point.

I’d Get Hacked if I Were Lucky

I mean, to be honest, my twitter password is not even that strong. It’s like I want to get hacked, which to be honest, I sort of would like that. I mean think of the attention it would garner for Unprecedented Mediocrity to get hacked by ISIS. While I am slowly growing an audience, I honestly haven’t really been able to figure out twitter. I only have about 60 followers, but at least one of them is Montell Williams. I felt proud when he followed me, but then I looked and he is following 139,000 other people. My goodness I hope he puts on a glove before he favorites a tweet of mine next time. I just felt cheap. But Montell seems like a pretty standup guy and Veteran advocate, so I let it slide.

War Games

So here I am on twitter ISIS, weak password and all just waiting to get hacked. Even if ISIS doesn’t bother to hack me, you can still follow me here @jeffed0311 if you like. However, when it comes to CENTCOM, I really don’t think its that big of a deal. I mean, it’s most likely that the guy who was responsible for guarding the CENTCOM twitter account was too busy uploading a video of the latest airstrike on ISIS to notice their cyber intrusion. I mean, c’mon ISIS it’s just twitter. It’s not like you hacked our 1980’s Global ThermoNuclear War computer to play a game of chess. After all, the only winning move is not to play.  Then I would be impressed. It’s an 80’s movie reference kids, ask your parents.

The Message

Let me talk directly to ISIS for a moment.  Ok, so you got the twitter account and the attention of the world. What message does ISIS want to deliver to us? First, they tell us they are coming to get us. Look ISIS, I am a busy man and I don’t have time to read tweets about things I already know. Yes, yes, we know ISIS, Vigo the Carpathian, On a Mountain of Skulls, in castle of pain, you sat on a throne of blood! What was will be, has been and so on and so forth. Another 80’s movies reference, look it up. You are coming to get us.  I get it already.

ISIS Threats

I know you want to kill us ISIS. This has been made clear time and time again. To be honest, it’s getting old. It’s not because you won’t succeed at some point. We live in a free society and the opportunity for you to strike a limited deathly blow to some of our citizens is real. However, to be honest I’m more worried about butt cancer. Death awaits us all ISIS. It is tragic and excruciating for the families of those with whom you succeed. However, America makes this sincere promise to you ISIS. Your families will weep more often than ours. The deadly results you get after planning and plotting in a America for a year, we simply call Tuesday afternoon for our military on your home turf. I mean, if you just hacked CENTCOM to get the drone footage of your uncle getting blown up for sentimental reasons, then I respect that ISIS. Just ask next time and we will email you a copy.

I mean let’s be honest here. You celebrate the killing of 12 people in France and point to the 3 lost jihadist as if you won the game due to that ratio. But ISIS is leaving out the rest of playing field, namely Planet Earth. If ISIS wants to play the scoreboard game, we are happy to oblige. The terrorist mentality that celebrates the killing of a few thousand citizens on 9-11 is one that quickly forgets the hundreds of thousands we slayed in the aftermath. Don’t play scoreboard with us ISIS. During the limited times you succeed in killing us on our home turf, it is not because of the ingenuity of your plot but because of the vast freedom in which we live. And after you commit your atrocity, we go on living free while you cease to live at all. Again ISIS, its time for a new message.   To be honest, Obesity looks at you as an amateur when it comes to killing Americans.

Conclusion

So in conclusion ISIS, I would just like to say that you might want to put an AK-47 in the hand of the guy that hacked twitter because right now you can’t even handle the war you have on your hands to say nothing of incurring the full wrath of America. You had your chance at your Caliphate and you blew it. You can’t defeat the entirety of Iraq, the Kurds, or even those other evil terrorist cells. All you have is a quick blitz through part of Iraq and take it from a country who has done that twice, it’s not that big of deal. This hacking today was cute. It made my day honestly. So now if you want to hack my twitter and help me get famous, that’s cool. Perhaps you start searching for the password with the Emperor’s luggage combination from Spaceballs. Why? Because that is 3 80’s movies references in one article. You’re welcome kids.

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Jeff Edwards

One Comment

  1. once again a brilliant & refreshing ballsy article. keep it up mate.
    all the best for now & looking forward to the next one

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