For the first time, 3 women will join 1st Battalion 8th Marines as grunts and there is simply a few things they must know before finishing this adventure. First thing’s first ladies, I want you to know that I am proud of you. Not only did you step on the famed yellow footprints and earn the title of United States Marine, but you willingly chose to join the elite of our service. I mean, who wants to be a POG am I right? It truly is a sign of your own personal mental fortitude and even if no grunts will clap for you, this one will. But, I think we need to have a quick chat before you get too far down this road. Because there are some hard days a coming and a few concepts you might need to get your mind around now. I do not personally think women in the infantry has been or is now a good idea. But if you gotta be there, we might as well talk about the obvious.
Let’s Talk about Grunt Life
So apparently there are three women who volunteered for the infantry and respective MOS is 0311, 0331, and 0341. And instantly, Marines everywhere just spit out their whiskey in disbelief. For you non-devil dogs out there, those numbers correspond to jobs and they are 0311 Rifleman, 0331 Machine Gunner, and 0341 Mortar Man. That’s right, two out of three of the first women to hit the infantry volunteered to carry machine guns and mortar plates for a living and that’s just plain stupid. And not the rap kind of stupid either, just stupid.
What the hell were you thinking ladies, and who is the recruiter who royally screwed you over? You are about to undergo the most grueling lifestyle a woman could voluntarily choose and your recruiter was all like, “oh hey, let’s throw a mortar plate on your back.” I have never in my life been so glad to be a rifleman than when I watch you 0331s and 0341s carrying that heavy junk on a 10 mile hump. Now I realize that if you are in fact in the fleet you must have realized this in School of Infantry already. But you just committed to a lifestyle of this with grunts who are not going to tolerate those who can’t keep up. Grunts don’t like those that can’t pull their weight regardless of their genitalia.
That’s what people don’t realize about the infantry. It’s not a woman hating boy club. We actually like the ladies and like them a lot, but more on that in a minute. It’s a can do club. It’s a meritocracy. It’s for those who can handle grunt life and those who can’t simply place higher burdens on the rest. Ladies if you start dropping out of humps because your 240 golf or mortar plate is bearing down on your grunt bros are going to be pissed. When your team has to carry it longer and further because you can’t you just royally screwed up your opportunity. Give me a Lightweight Magazine Fed Gas Operated Air Cooled Shoulder Fired Weapon any day my friends.
Let’s Talk About Sex
Now for those who are claiming I’m sexist for saying a female can’t hump a mortar plate, chill out. I’m just saying the science tells us the male and female body structure is different. Humping is hard for a male Marine, but the science tells us humping is likely to be harder for a female. 0331? 0341? Please! But long forced marches is not the only type of humping that takes place in the Marines so let’s talk about the birds and the bees. Side note, any Marine who would put his hands on these women against their wishes is a piece of trash rapist. Take nothing I say to justify your deviancy. Moving on.
Ignoring the biologically obvious will be a disaster and introducing the erotic element into the grunt platoon is just going to be plain weird. I really don’t know how else to even say it. The truth is that teens like to do it, and your average Marine Grunt is only about a semester or two removed from being a horny high school kid. Ladies most, if not all, of your platoon is going to want to do it with you. And being fair, you might want to do it back with them. This experiment could very well turn into a cornucopia of who wants to do who. Marine Infantry platoons simply don’t have a precedent. Plus, what happens the first time some naked dude’s picture is placed up on the HOG board? It’s just going to be weird and I’m sorry ladies. If you don’t believe me, just ask your 0331 buddy first time he lays on top of you and straddles his leg over to increase your firing support. Seriously, 0331s I never got that.
The point is, you can rightly demand that every member of your platoon keep his erections to himself. But if you want to ask a teenage Marine not to get an erection, well, I don’t know how that happens. If you want to ask Marines to speak respectfully about women around you then you certainly can. But I’ve never heard a field conversation in my life that didn’t instantly devolve into a conversation about boobs and other stuff. Literally, It could start out about periodic table of elements and before you get to the atomic weight of Thallium it’s going to be about sex. It’s going to be weird ladies, very weird. Marines grunts spent the sum of our existence with the reasonable certainty that no one in the platoon wanted to have sex with each other. That’s out that window now and I’ll say again, it’s going to be weird.
Future Secretary of Defense Mattis has said multiple times that he didn’t think integrating women into the infantry was a good idea. I agree with him for multiple reasons that are not sexist. Just practical matters of biology from the obvious differences in the female body’s strength to the obvious biological desire to do it. Everyone likes to do it. Civilians like to do it, POGs like to do it, and yes your fellow Grunts are going to want to do it. It’s just biology.
But I’ll leave you with this ladies. If any Marine touches you without your permission you roast them publicly. Understanding it’s going to be weird places you under no obligation to keep assault under wraps if it happens regardless of what any Marine in your command tells you. Just know that when a fellow member of your platoon invites you over to his fighting hole to do fire watch and chill, the biology hasn’t gone away because the President made you a Grunt.
I’m proud of you ladies for you made it even when I would have preferred that you never be there. I can’t wait for the first time you get to look a male motor T guy in the face and call him a POG. Really, it’s going to be great. But to the recruiter of the 0331 and 0341, you guys are just wrong. I mean just wrong. Happy humping ladies and welcome to the infantry.
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