The truth is, I had no intention of seeing Seth Rogan and James Franco’s new movie, The Interview. The premise seemed a little funny, but more like a $1.50 Redbox movie funny and not $15 movie theater funny. Moreover, I am not sure it can come close to the irreverence and hilarity of Team America World Police’s swipe at North Korea. That is until North Korea somehow bullied Sony into pulling the movie from theaters. You see, it wasn’t North Korea explicitly, just obviously. Sony pictures was hacked in the past week and it released all sorts of embarrassing details from Sony. These hackers then made claims that they would conduct 9-11 style terrorist attacks against the movie theaters that showed the film. Who were these hackers? Well, the North Koreans of course.
You see, in the movie The Interview, the apparent premise is that Seth Rogan and James Franco are somehow hired out to kill North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. Think of it kind of like a Spies Like Us with Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase for the modern era. Just I’m certain with more marijuana jokes. So that’s it. That’s what got North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un’s imported silk panties in a wad. And now he wants to kill us all.
Look Kimmy, none of us like it when our favorite characters die in the movies. Do you think I liked watching Johnny Cash kill Maximus in the Gladiator ring? Of course not. Look, Kim Jong-Un, the movie is a comedy and your death would likely take place in a hilarious fashion. We can all only hope that we go in such a cinematic manner. After all, would you rather it be a documentary profiling your likely death at the hand of diabetes? I think not. Besides, just be thankful that Quinton Tarintino didn’t pick up this movie and you didn’t have to suffer the death that he would have created for you. Its a movie. People die and hopefully they die in a funny manner.
Now Sony is not an American company. They are Japanese. So I am not entirely certain if Sony fully grasps the rebelliousness of the American spirit. We were founded on a rebellion and we simply like doing things our way regardless of how silly it might be. So you can keep your metric system world and we will keep buying milk by the gallons. This is the United States of America and irreverent humor is as American as George Washington.
The 1st Amendment was not just put there for important political speech, but for all speech. That’s why its number 1. We put it in the same amendment with religion and getting together with our friends to peacefully assemble. Consequently, when it looks like you cave to the demands of a foreign aggressor it really angers us. Our entire country is founded on this premise. Yes, I know they are threatening harm to us and you say Sony that you are looking out for us. This is America. Someone is always trying to kill us for being free. So in this case, the North Koreans are just one more notch on the belt of liberty for us. Shame on you Sony. We don’t need you to save us.
The Stupid Truth
Now here is the dumbest part. We know the North Koreans hacked Sony. We know they made the threats. Consequently, if they set up an attack on American movie goers then that is an Act of War, plain and simple. I mean Sony, is Japanese. Surely they know from past events that we don’t take kindly to being attacked on our time off. For if you do, we will come to your part of the world and get you. Moreover, here in America, to protect that 1st Amendment, we have something called the 2nd. If you made these warnings public, then you leave it to our faithful law enforcement officers and the average citizen to arrange for our safety. We didn’t ask Sony to cave to the North Koreans on our behalf and to be honest, it just makes us look bad. Besides, there will be enough concealed carry patriots sitting in that movie just wishing a fool would. They might even see it 2 or 3 times that day just to increase their chances.
Sony is like the guy you bring along for a group fight who just passes out. We would have rather you not come at all. North Korea is constantly threatening us with destruction and this is no different. Were North Korea to act on it, then it means War. All out, good old fashioned, bring Chesty Puller back from the dead War. And we don’t mind fighting a war to protect our liberties. Its less convoluted than half the other reasons we fight wars lately, so I’m all for the added simplicity. This is stupid Sony. You are a private company and you can do what you want with your film. However, now that it has been censored, I have to see it for that is the American way. And just so Sony doesn’t profit off it, I think I’ll track down a pirated Chinese bootleg version of it. How do you like that Sony? Now I’m a pirate and its all your fault.
Sign up below to receive Unprecedented Mediocrity directly to your email or like the Unprecedented Mediocrity page on Facebook.