Don’t do it Dicks, c’mon man don’t be a well, you know. For those unaware, Dick’s Sporting Goods made the decision to no longer sell AR style rifles and high capacity magazines in the wake of the Parkland Florida school shooting. The response from the gun community was outcries of boycotts along with the general weeping and gnashing of teeth. Personally, the libertarian side in me says a private company can sell or not sell what it wants. So while I find the decision a poor one on behalf of any shareholders in Dick’s, if they want to be a Dick’s Sporting Goods about it then that is their choice. I do, however, take issue with Dick’s destroying these beautiful weapons as they have revealed is their plan. It feels like pew genocide and that the souls of a million gun owners just cried out in agony. So like Schindler’s list, let me offer an accord between myself and Dick’s. Namely, I’ll take them. No, seriously Dick’s I will take them and give them a good home. It doesn’t have to be this way Dick’s so please don’t be a Dick’s Sporting Goods about it.
I’m a Qualified Parent
I have no doubt that Dick’s believes that it is making the world safer by destroying these weapons, but that comes with a cost. Think about all the labor and expenses associated with such an undertaking. So again, let me offer a cheaper alternative that will satisfy both your shareholders and your conscience. I’ll take them. Before you dismiss this outright, let me explain my credentials. You see I worked in the area of foster care and adoptions for over a decade and I understand that you can hand neither an orphan child or gun to someone without knowing a little about them. Dick’s, I’d like to raise your guns and give them the life you couldn’t and here is why I’m a good candidate.
I first fired the M16 when I was 17-years-old during United States Marine Corp recruit training. But even before I fired my first round down range I spent countless weeks cleaning it, holding it and preparing for the day I first went pew. I can even recall spending hours in the dirt of Edson Range snapping in on silhouettes painted on a 55 gallon drum barrel. How committed was I to this training? I recall our Drill Instructors forcing us to lay there and drink canteens of water until there was a wet spot underneath at least one recruit. A lesser recruit pissed himself so we could all get up, but I was committed to holding both it and my rifle.
I then spent the next few years cleaning and practicing with this rifle. There even came a day in Iraq when someone shot at me with another rifle you likely don’t sell. In keeping with my life mantra which says if you shoot at me I will shoot at you back, I pulled the trigger into the dark of the night. Since exiting the Marines I have lived a crime free life and will pass any background check that you send my way. I’ve got a Master’s Degree and the propensity of crimes committed by people with advanced degrees is statistically low. I’ll sign a pledge never to give them away or sell them for money. I live less than a quarter mile from a gun range so they will always have space to pew pew pew. C’mon Dick’s, don’t be a Dick’s Sporting Goods about it. Give them to me, let them live.
Proof the Gun Community Needs to Adapt
Finally, the mass destruction of these beautiful weapons should drive the gun community to understand their options. For today it is Dick’s but tomorrow the social pressure could lead other major retailers to be a Dick’s Sporting Goods to the rest of the gun community. A future Hillary Clinton may very will get her way as Clinton called for an end to gun manufacturing in America. However, while they can try to take our guns for sale they can never take the knowledge in our heads. For every rifle Dick’s destroys I’m hoping the gun community rushes below to pick up this big useless hunk of metal. That’s the 80% lower receiver.
I say big useless hunk of metal because that’s all this is. Honestly, just ask the ATF. This is the lower receiver of an AR that is, wait for it, 80% complete. According to the ATF, until you complete the process of milling out the trigger well this is nothing but a fancy paperweight. You don’t need an FFL to purchase and you can have them shipped right to your door. It’s only when you complete the process, which you can do with a cheap kit, that any applicable gun laws apply. So might I offer the suggestion that gun owners rush to pick up as many of these “paperweights” as possible. The future of pew just might depend on it. It doesn’t have to be this way. Give them to me and I’ll be happier than Jean Claude in an Asian bar.
This is what you have driven us to Dick’s. The gun community was quite content to walk into your store and purchase a weapon. But no, you had to go and be a Dick’s Sporting Goods about it. Now we must ensure that we have the knowledge should the whole of the gun retail industry turn into a bunch of Dick’s. Let me have them Dick’s, please let me give them a home. It will be cheaper for you and you don’t have to live with the screams of melted metal waking you up at night. I’m a responsible non-criminal fully trained to raise these weapons. Don’t be a Dick’s Sporting Goods about it. Let me have them.
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